Also, assume the partner that “caused the pain” (in the examples below) is self-regulating so that they can stay present and engaged with their partner’s pain...otherwise, their prefrontal cortex and reasoning would be offline too and this process wouldn’t work.

Validation

We’re going to misread each other and cause unintentional harm. It’s unavoidable. This is because, at the very least, we all have two things in common: we all see things differently from our unique perspectives, and we’re all inherently imperfect. So, as a human in a human relationship, we’ll inevitably mess up, our emotions will run wild, and we’ll need to find ways back to each other.

When we’re in one of those human moments together, and we see our partner flooded with emotion, we need to know that their prefrontal cortex (logical/reasoning part of our brain) is most likely offline.

Their emotional experience may sound irrational, but “bringing them back to reality” with our own logic most likely won’t work (and, it’s typically best to pause our attempts at logic when someone’s in pain anyway).

Validation is key here. We need to find a way to lean into genuine curiosity about their experience until we can visualize it from their eyes. Once their experience makes more sense to us and we try expressing that, it may sound something like:

When their invisible experience feels fully seen by us, their emotions can safely land and find relief, which’ll bring their logical brain back online so they can look around with clarity again.

Reassurance

Sometimes we move on to reassurance too soon, which can make them feel dismissed. If that happens, it’s a sign that validation and learning more is needed again (in highly triggering situations, it may even take hours or days for the validation to settle in). Once they feel that relief within their nervous system, it’s time to reassure.

Reassurance isn’t a fluffy lie like, “it’ll be okay,” nor is it a dismissive deflection like, “oh come on, you know I love you.” True reassurance grounds a valid, human experience into a broader reality. With gentle confrontation, this reality check redirects the lone, painful story and consensually reframes it within the multi-layered context of the present moment.

Action

Just as we can rush into reassurance, we can also rush into solutions too, which can feel like pressure. When this happens, we need to loop back to validation.

Action is where we get productive. This is where we find solutions to more fully soothe the harm and prevent it from happening again. We made some promises when we reassured them, and this is where we do our best to honor those promises.

Action transforms the temporary emotional safety and closeness built during validation and reassurance, and solidifies it into long-term security and reliability.

Wrap Up

Starting with validation isn’t easy. It forces us to sit in the discomfort of a reality we may not like or agree with. It can feel easier to leap straight to reassurance or fixing.

But, we can’t think our way out of a flooded state, nor can we force growth from a place of defense. Our nervous system doesn’t work that way. True connection and growth require us to courageously and compassionately face the reality of what is happening inside and outside of us before we can naturally move anywhere else.

Carl Rogers once said:

By validating first, we stop running from the inevitable friction of being human. And, with compassion, we can safely be direct and vulnerable with each other until we transform our mistakes into the foundation of our relationship’s security.

A Final Example

An easier way to understand this concept is an example of how we show up for our physical needs:

Kevin Carlstead, LMFT

Description of Research (Validation Section)

(Siegel, 2012): this describes how intense emotional arousal causes the limbic system (the amygdala) to overpower the prefrontal cortex, essentially “flipping the lid.” Validation acts as an interpersonal neurobiological brake, sending signals of safety that help bring the prefrontal cortex back online so a person can reason and look around with clarity again.

(Lieberman et al., 2007): this fMRI study provides the empirical proof for Siegel’s model. It shows that affect labeling (putting feelings into words through validation) physically dampens amygdala reactivity and increases activity in the right ventrolateral prefrontal cortex.

(Johnson, 2008): Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) describes that in moments of relational distress, people naturally lead with Secondary Emotions (the armor: anger, criticism, reactive defense, or icy withdrawal). Underneath lies the Primary Emotions (the truth: attachment panic, fear of rejection, and loneliness). The patient back-and-forth of validation is required to melt the secondary armor so the primary truth can be safely expressed.

(Shahar, 2020): this tracks the empirical efficacy of emotional processing, confirming that structurally guiding an individual from secondary reactive states to primary adaptive emotions is a robust predictor of physiological regulation and secure therapeutic/relational outcomes.

Description of Research (Reassurance Section)

(Porges, 2011): this Introduces neuroception: the subconscious way our nervous system scans for threat or safety. Reassurance is the deliberate projection of safety through a calm vocal tone, accountable language, and grounding context. This stimulates the ventral vagal complex (the social engagement system), shifting a partner out of a defensive fight/flight storm. Explicit signals of safety allow two distinct human nervous systems to achieve mutual, biological co-regulation.

Description of Research (Action Section)

(Gottman, 1999): long-term security is built when verbal alignment turns into behavioral predictability. He highlights the absolute necessity of Repair Attempts: any statement or action that prevents an emotional conflict from escalating out of control. Taking a self-directed, time-bound break when feeling overwhelmed is a primary behavioral action step to prevent physiological flooding.

(Gottman, 1989 and 1992): these are landmark longitudinal studies proving that the long-term stability and health of a relationship rely directly on a couple’s ability to implement concrete, actionable boundaries and structural repairs to de-escalate physiological distress.

References

Gottman, J. M. (1999). The Marriage Clinic: A Scientifically Based Marital Therapy. W. W. Norton & Company.

Gottman, J. M., & Krokoff, L. J. (1989). Marital interaction and satisfaction: A longitudinal view. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 57(1), 47–52. https://doi.org/10.1037//0022-006x.57.1.47

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: Behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 222–233. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.63.2.221

Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown and Company.

Lieberman, M. D., Eisenberger, N. I., Crockett, M. J., Tom, S. M., Pfeifer, J. H., & Way, B. M. (2007). Putting Feelings Into Words. Psychological Science, 18(5), 421–428. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9280.2007.01916.x

Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.

Rogers, C. R. (1961). On becoming a person: A therapist’s view of psychotherapy. Houghton Mifflin.

Shahar, B. (2020). New Developments in Emotion-Focused Therapy for Social Anxiety Disorder. Journal of Clinical Medicine, 9(9), 2918. https://doi.org/10.3390/jcm9092918

Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

The Processing Mind (Default Mode Network) is usually less tapped into throughout our busy days. This brain network helps us digest our experiences. It moves slow, builds substance, and meaningfully connects us with our values, identity, confidence, emotions, needs, and other people’s humanness.

Our brain needs to be un-stimulated (or sleeping) for our Processing Mind to kick in and naturally digest all that our brain’s been working on. This is very similar to how our body’s natural recovery process kicks in to physically repair our tiredness, soreness, sickness, or injuries...as long as we’re inactive (or sleeping).

Throughout one busy day, we may experience many subtle and some obvious emotional stresses, failures, reliefs, and wins. When we allow our mind to wander (in an unfocused flow), our Processing Mind digests and lowers the emotional volatility of these experiences. This can help us move from automatic reactivity (like, becoming angry when we’re overwhelmed, then criticizing those around us) to more thoughtful responses (like, realizing and claiming our overwhelm, then finding flexible options and support).

A drawback to keeping our Productive Mind online all the time is that productivity views things (including relational and emotional experiences) as a problem to be fixed or a threat to defend against. We can’t build a deeply engaged relationship from a state of constant execution.

So, if it’s important for us to connect with ourselves:

• To accurately understand how we feel

• To accurately share where we’re at

• And, to give us the best chance of being seen and included

…and, to connect with the important people in our lives:

• To include their experience in the relationship

• To develop strong bonds

• And, to feel less alone

…then, we need to deliberately shift from our Productive Mind to our Processing Mind when we feel distant from our own and others’ perspectives, emotions, and needs.

Neither network is better than the other. It’s more about toggling back and forth when one is more needed. Let’s practice right now.

Guided Check In

Let’s see where you’re at inside.

Close your eyes…or, let your gaze lose focus in some general area of the room.

Take some breaths to slow the brain’s pace down to the natural pace of your body.

Try breathing out longer than your breath in…like:

Try that 3 times here with me:

As you settle, you may notice your mind still moving. That’s okay.

If enticing thoughts pull at you, let them know you’ll catch up with them later.

For the next 3 minutes, you have zero obligations. Nothing is pressing.

Give your thoughts permission to be completely unproductive.

If you jump from a memory, to an insight, to a worry…let it happen.

Your brain knows how to process all of this on its own.

Just wander. I’ll keep my eye on the time, and let you know when it’s been 3 minutes.

Take a few more breaths and we’ll steadily come back up to process.

Re-Wiring

If this was challenging, that’s completely normal. It takes practice to be unproductive with our exciting and daunting thoughts.

Let’s try it again. But, this time you’ll share your internal noticings out loud in real-time. This will give me the chance to help you bypass and care for your Productive Mind and negative thought patterns with compassionate directness.

When I’m helping you with this, the network in the brain that we’re training is called the Salience Network. This brain network helps us decipher when to appropriately toggle between the Executive Control Network (Productive Mind) and the Default Mode Network (Processing Mind).

Trauma memories, anxiety loops, and shame spirals act like glitches. They block the Salience Network from functioning properly, potentially leaving us trapped in a survival state or locked in exhausting rumination.

That’s where I step in to patch the glitches. I help your Salience Network learn new and flexible ways for your Productive Mind and Processing Mind to work together in achieving the life and relationships you actually want.

Here is a YouTube link to just the Guided Check in.

Kevin Carlstead, LMFT

Salience Network Resource - https://www.jneurosci.org/content/39/50/9878

Default Mode Network Resource - https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC12025022/

Executive Control Network Resource - https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7267982/

Not Alone Anymore has been about the therapy process I typically guide clients through to find closer connections with their most important people:

• With compassion…

  • Notice our reactivity

  • Lay down our armor

  • Connect to our invisible and defenseless experience underneath

  • Vulnerably share (and stay committed) to that important truth

  • And then, get curious to co-author the intertwined story of our pain (together)

The effort to slow and connect with our present selves like this is not meant for every conversation (or every issue). We’re not built for all that pain, effort, and seriousness. We also need to let go of our productivity to dance, laugh, and do nothing.

This depth is meant for the important moments…with our important people…so we can move away from the stagnation and vicious cycles we often get stuck in…and, move closer to each other,

towards a place we can call home,

where we can feel authentically seen,

where we don’t have to be alone anymore.

Kevin Carlstead, LMFT

All the information in this brief dialogue above is backed by my 3+ years of work with couples and individuals as a relationship and trauma therapist while using scientifically proven and evidence based therapy techniques and theories, which I was trained and supervised in…in conjunction with studying and researching these topics for 5+ years in graduate school, throughout my own personal therapy and mental health journey, and peer-reviewed in deeply-rooted conversations with trusted colleagues who contain multitudes of various perspectives, expertise, and professional/life experiences to contribute.

To make both our imperfect voices clear to each other…we need to be brave enough to unveil and ask about the invisible truths we both carry.

But, what if they aren’t hearing our voice though? What if we’re consistently sharing the impact their angry outbursts are having on us and they keep dismissing our experience?

The hope is for the human we care so much about to allow our pain to sink in…and, face this direct, yet compassionate mirror into themselves. The hope is they’ll want to learn that underneath their anger is them not feeling seen, and then find more satiating ways of feeling seen (versus continuing to create a bitter facade of it).

But, they may never hear us. They could see this for themselves, read something like this, go to therapy, have others share similarly, or see us leave the relationship…and, even then, they still may not hear us. So, at some point, we need to show our nervous system that we’re important enough to care about (even if that means leaving).

I wish I could provide insight into “how to care for the emotional needs underneath every one of our reactions.” But, because of all the nuances involved, there’s no one way.

Instead, I’ll share an anecdote about how I (as the imperfect human I am) navigate through my angrily-rushed, reactive pattern.

Me being annoyed made it obvious that something more was happening for me inside. My wife provided a mirror for me, and I took that opportunity to pause and check in.

My underlying need was to belong...specifically...to ensure our friends knew we cared about them. My productive part was trying to make sure of that. And, it was incessantly poking me until I paid attention.

After listening, I appreciated that part, compassionately recalibrated its past-driven expectations, and then reassured it that we were, in fact, caring about our friends.

And, my productivity was able to feel relief...enough to hibernate again.

When we recognize the impact we have on our partner…and soothe the reactivity within us, it can show how dedicated we are to truly seeing both of us. And, together in these moments, we show that no matter how flawed or unique we are, we’re lovable.

(to be succinctly wrapped up in a closing, summary post)

Kevin Carlstead, LMFT

All the information in this brief dialogue above is backed by my 3+ years of work with couples and individuals as a relationship and trauma therapist while using scientifically proven and evidence based therapy techniques and theories, which I was trained and supervised in…in conjunction with studying and researching these topics for 5+ years in graduate school, throughout my own personal therapy and mental health journey, and peer-reviewed in deeply-rooted conversations with trusted colleagues who contain multitudes of various perspectives, expertise, and professional/life experiences to contribute.

It’s natural that we hope to be seen the moment we trade our armor for our truth.

Sharing this is already brave…and yet, our partner still may not see us until we do another brave thing.

As challenging as it may sound, it’s important to stay curious about the person who just hurt us. Our pains are way more intertwined than we may realize. Hearing their side can actually make the story of our own pain that much clearer and easier (for both of us) to understand.

This is an important spot to remind ourselves that:

1. Being “in the right” is overrated because connection thrives when we can accept that we’re imperfectly human...like everyone else.

2. One of the most helpful actions we can do for our loved ones (when they’re hurt) is to engage with their pain, so they don’t feel so alone in it.

3. If we’ve hurt them, let their pain sink in. Our body will store it and naturally motivate us towards the person we’re striving to become.

Remembering these at various points throughout a painful conversation can help shame not whisk us away, and give us the best opportunity to stay engaged.

Opening up to our partner’s experience may be painful. But, as we honor our voice, get curious about theirs, and own our previously invisible impacts, we begin to co-author the story of our pain together. Not only does this give us the chance to truly be seen by each other…it can also help us channel our energy into what will actually bring us closer.

(to be continued in part 3)

Kevin Carlstead, LMFT

All the information in this brief dialogue above is backed by my 3+ years of work with couples and individuals as a relationship and trauma therapist while using scientifically proven and evidence based therapy techniques and theories, which I was trained and supervised in…in conjunction with studying and researching these topics for 5+ years in graduate school, throughout my own personal therapy and mental health journey, and peer-reviewed in deeply-rooted conversations with trusted colleagues who contain multitudes of various perspectives, expertise, and professional/life experiences to contribute.

Simply put, my job as a couples therapist is to help each partner open up to each other in direct and vulnerable ways.

It can be very easy to get stuck handling tense moments together with protective reactions:

As they share this, I see their courage to say something about the tension…I see their energy to finally feel seen. If their purpose is to feel heard and work this out with their partner though, this share may only create more tension and distance.

In these blaming stances, we spend more time describing our partner (in criticizing ways) than describing our own pain. This makes it challenging for our partner to actually understand what we’re experiencing (as the human they care so much about).

After a brave, yet rushed moment like this, I will guide them to slow their default process down, compassionately and directly recognize their protection, and connect to the experience they’re having underneath:

(slowing down, calling out our protections, and moving underneath towards our own painful experience shows our nervous system that we care and matter enough to be heard)

Once they connect to themselves underneath their protection, I lead them to share out loud in a raw and courageous way:

(sharing our vulnerable voice in our most important relationships shows our nervous system that we matter enough to be included)

I know it can be hard in tense moments to slow down, connect with ourselves, and share vulnerably. I also know how common it is (especially for men) to abandon our internal experience and isolate our true nature from those around us. So, I’m going to offer a perspective on why putting in effort to connect (particularly in these ways) may be a worthy pursuit:

We all know what happens to us when we get really hungry or are sleep deprived.

We can move to...hangry...irritable...low power mode.

A similar intensity comes up when we lose access to our most important people...

...because belonging is a basic survival need too...

...and survival needs tend to get really loud and distracting inside when they’re not met.

Biologically, there is something inside humans pushing us, urging us, incentivizing us towards relationships.

Even when we are isolated from others, our body forces us to feel wanted and not alone through whatever various, superficial, short-term ways we can find (social media, porn, video games, Wilson from Cast Away).

I’m not trying to take the romance out of love or the fun out of friendship by saying it’s all for survival. There are actually a lot of survival-based urges that we have creatively done some cool things with.

For instance, cooking food can be such a beautiful art...but, the actual urge to eat comes from a survival need to maintain our body. Also, sex can be a whole lot of fun...but, the actual urge to have sex comes from a biological imperative to reproduce so we can survive as a species.

Historically, belonging to and functioning in groups has made it more likely we’ll survive - with a partner, a family, a community...and, caretakers become absolutely necessary for survival in our youngest and oldest years of life. So, we are wired for this need our entire lives.

And so, just like cooking, belonging can be an art too. Connecting can be done in such unique, fun, and intimate ways. The art of maintaining emotional intimacy in a safe and secure relationship can help us move beyond just surviving together.

If this urge inside is going to push us anyway...instead of spending it on brief, superficial moments...why not really show up for this need? Why waste it on a bag of chips for dinner (making us feel like shit)...when we could make a nutritious and salivating meal, and feel satiated long-term (with a little bit more effort)?

With this effort in our relationships, we can slow down, connect to ourselves, and share vulnerably...we can feel authentically seen by each other and create beautifully close bonds with the most important people in our lives.

(to be continued in part 2)

Kevin Carlstead, LMFT

All the information in this brief dialogue above is backed by my 3+ years of work with couples and individuals as a relationship and trauma therapist while using scientifically proven and evidence based therapy techniques and theories, which I was trained and supervised in…in conjunction with studying and researching these topics for 5+ years in graduate school, throughout my own personal therapy and mental health journey, and peer-reviewed in deeply-rooted conversations with trusted colleagues who contain multitudes of various perspectives, expertise, and professional/life experiences to contribute.

Overthinking can feel awful…even like something’s wrong with us. This is our brain going through a normal process though. We are built to be productive and solve external problems. If we see puzzle pieces coming together, we typically want to finish the puzzle.

Our sympathetic nervous system was built for speed…to survive now.

• This is reactive and for imminent crisis.

Our logical brain was built for accuracy…to survive smarter.

• This is preemptive and helps us design our survival.

These two working as a team…they’re a powerhouse. However, compared to the wild, so many of us in the United States are not hanging on the edge of immediate danger. And, these two get twisted up and overused too often.

Even living in lower risk now, we’re still built to scan for possible threats, and survive them. Even though there’s no need for an immediate answer, we still get tangled and tricked into feeling like we’re being hunted and need to solve it now (especially if we’ve had childhoods, adult relationships, jobs, or power-over regimes that have manipulated our nervous systems to believe that something “out of place” is an imminent threat).

For example, if we are laying in bed, and we notice our throat getting a tad sore, and our reactive and preemptive survival systems become jumbled and triggered:

It is normal and totally okay to survive. That is our #1 priority as an animal. If we know (with an evidence-based puzzle piece) that we will be fired, lose our partner, or die, then our nature will fight hard to stay alive. So, bravely lean into that survival experience, get strategizing with our productive brain, and find our way to safety. Then, when safe again, it is important that we move away from fight, flight, freeze, and fawn…and, it is important that we move away from productivity.

When we stay, prolonged in this survival state and reactive productivity, our body, mind, and relationships steadily deteriorate over time…as well as our ability to have a say in our lives. So, it’s important to know how to slow everything down again…in a secure, compassionate, and direct relationship…helping us feel safe enough to let go into our natural flow of experience again.

It’s also important to note that when we scare ourselves into action, our productive part isn’t built to help us alleviate our fear. We hear it all the time to stop fixing our partner’s problems and just stay curious and listen to them. It’s true: internal experiences need to be moved through by noticing them, accepting them, and allowing them to exist in our present experience. It’s not about fighting our demons (or solving them)…it’s about noticing these experiences inside, calling them out of the shadows (into the light), and being willing to feel what it’s like to be around them.

If we can sit with our “demons,” shine a curious light on that experience inside, and be with them, we can create a safe and slow space where we learn their true intention…and, find a new path where that intention’s energy doesn’t destroy us anymore…a path that serves us…towards the person we want to be in our life.

Kevin Carlstead, LMFT

All the information in this brief dialogue above is backed by my 3+ years of work with couples and individuals as a relationship and trauma therapist while using scientifically proven and evidence based therapy techniques and theories, which I was trained and supervised in…in conjunction with studying and researching these topics for 5+ years in graduate school, throughout my own personal therapy and mental health journey, and peer-reviewed in deeply-rooted conversations with trusted colleagues who contain multitudes of various perspectives, expertise, and professional/life experiences to contribute.

-images created in Google Gemini (AI)-

The evidence that we’re worthy of connection (no matter what) is experienced when we take the courageous step to move through a flaw:

• First, notice our mistake...or that something feels off in the relationship.

Whoops...I’m rushing.

• Then, be courageous and acknowledge it out loud (in a way that shows we’re open to owning our imperfections).

Hey, I notice you’re quieter than usual, and I know I’ve been in such a rush.

• Then, ask them what it was like experiencing our flaw (reminding ourselves that even when listening gets painful...the pain is helping us connect to how they are feeling and helping us naturally grow as a person)

What is it like on your side when I’m in a rush like this?

• As they share and we get confused, ask more curious questions. If we think we get it, reflect back to them what we’re hearing, so we can accurately understand their experience (the safer they feel through this process, the more honest they’ll be, and the more honest they are, the more connected we will both feel afterward).

That make sense...when I get agitated that you aren’t matching my rushed energy, you start to feel like you’re not enough for me...and then you get quiet because you’re protecting yourself. That sounds scary and lonely. I love this tunnel vision ADHD part of me at times, but when I’m around my own focused energy for too long, there is minimal room for my humanness too. So, thanks for saying this, I need this part of me checked from time to time. I’m sorry my focus was so unchecked and you felt that way.

Am I missing anything about you and your experience in all this?

• After leaning into the flaws and pains together, we typically see them starting to feel relief...as they feel fully heard.

• When we both feel fully seen: flaws, pains, and all...this is where we connect...this is where we both realize that, no matter what happens, we won’t be alone.

When we repair like this and feel connected after a mistake, it’s at that moment we get concrete evidence and a deep sense that we’re worthy of connection (flaws and all).

Humans are naturally and unavoidably flawed. If we spend our time distracted by hyper-vigilantly hiding our naturally occurring and ever-flowing imperfections, we will live in a very lonely state of anxiety.

If we allow and show these wobbly parts of us, we feel significantly more connected to our own self...while also making it so much easier for others to connect with us. Even when we negatively impact each other:

I need you. Don’t just say sorry to move on. Don’t abandon me with your shame spiral about how bad of a person you feel you are. Don’t create distance by yelling at me or criticizing me. Even if you hurt me...even if I hurt you. Let’s see each other in this.

How do I get this concrete evidence that I’m worthy of connection if the environment or relationship I’m in doesn’t feel set up for this kind of conversation? It doesn’t even feel possible or allowed...

Unfortunately, it is really common to have a history of these honest conversations turning into more harm than connection...often because of how common it is (in our society) to have a turbulent relationship with imperfections...and hiding flaws leads to very protective and harmful behaviors.

Here’s a general example that I share with clients on how to move through the repair process with someone who has a turbulent relationship with their imperfections:

• When asking that person how they feel, and they end up blaming, criticizing, and/or yelling at us (and we feel safe and resilient enough to stay connected), then say something like:

I really want to know what’s going on, but I’m feeling disconnected with the way you’re sharing. What is happening for you?

• This can help because people often just want to know we care about them and we’re not going anywhere. However, if they keep pushing us away or we keep feeling attacked, the next step is to share something like the above statement again (to give their nervous system another chance to see our safe humanness).

• But if we’re still not moving into repair, then they’re probably too dysregulated for connection and needing to ground back into safety, which means, our final step is to move into a firm boundary by saying something like:

I am too disengaged and overwhelmed right now, I want to hear where you’re at, so let’s come back to this later.

To really feel the evidence that we are worthy of connection...and, to free our nervous system from hyper-vigilantly attacking flaws, we need to experience the evidence of moving through and finding the other side of flaws and pains.

So, let’s try this in our own quirky and individual ways. And, if we want more experiential guidance from someone who knows our unique selves and nuanced contexts, the best option I’ve found is doing individual/couples therapy with a systemic-thinking, compassion-focused relationship therapist who uses a bottom-up approach (for example, EFT, IFS, SE, or AEDP).

So, if the next step is for us to be more honestly present in relationships, then I know I’ll need some inspiration to do this...because exposing my flaws is wildly scary for me. Here’s an example of how I try showing up for myself when that social anxiety hits:

Being my natural and flawed self feels super risky. One reason is because this kind of honesty risks hurting others...yet, when I unintentionally hurt them, now I know how to repair, feel closer afterward, and naturally grow.

Also, this kind of honesty risks them not liking me...but, I am learning that it’s okay that not everyone does (there are too many unique vibes out there to flow with them all)...and, when I courageously allow my imperfections to be seen, I make it safe for others to be themselves too, and both of us being vulnerable naturally creates connection.

So, as I keep the fear of being rejected held close, I’ll do my best to embrace my flaws, honestly engage, and find my community.

At the end of the day, the people in my life do not need me to be perfect, they need me to be present.

Kevin Carlstead, LMFT

All information in this brief dialogue above is backed by my 3+ years of work with couples and individuals as a relationship therapist while using scientifically proven and evidence based therapy techniques and theories, which I was trained and supervised in…in conjunction with studying and researching these topics for 5+ years in graduate school, throughout my own personal therapy and mental health journey, and peer-reviewed in deeply-rooted conversations with trusted colleagues who contain multitudes of various perspectives, expertise, and professional/life experiences to contribute.

Images created in Google Gemini (AI)

Survival states take us away from being present with our emotions, logic, behaviors, and relationships…and steal our functioning to focus solely on safety and survival. When we cannot connect to our and others’ emotional experiences in this state, we feel unseen, unimportant, distant, and alone, which further entrenches our nervous system in that survival state.

A really common way that we put ourselves in a survival state is by believing that each behavior of ours hangs us in the balance of being enough or not enough to deserve love and connection.

Like, if you work really hard to get an award, and you succeed, then yea, for sure let's celebrate, you deserve to feel proud and happy and all the good-feels of your hard work paying off. That doesn't mean you are more worthy or lovable as a human being than the others who didn't get the award. We are all in this together, and yet, you obviously worked your ass off, so let’s party.

Also, if you have a rough day and snap at me, then you'll feel my distance, fear, and sadness because I'll share that with you, then you'll feel some natural pain and guilt, you’ll support me in not feeling alone as you own the impact you have on me and we get to know each other better, which will create repair and bring us back to feeling connected and on the same team again. But, flipping your lid doesn't mean you’re less worthy as a human being than others who didn’t get angry at their friends at that very moment. You messed up. I’ll mess up later. Let's work through that together. No one needs to feel alone because we caused each other pain.

On one side of our self-relationship, we are always enough to deserve connection and love (flaws and all), AND (on the other side of our self-relationship) our behaviors do have impacts, some that create wonderful, positive vibes that we deserve to lean into, and some that create harmful, negative vibes that we deserve to lean into. Both sets of behaviors with their various impacts need to be owned and felt for us to create closeness with ourselves and others, which ultimately provides our nervous system the evidence that we are worthy of connection and love despite our actions (I go into this in more depth here).

How do we put this into practice? The first step (per usual) is awareness. It is fairly easy to notice when we default to the belief that "we are unlovable when we are flawed":

It can be seen when we accomplish something and we finally feel worthy, or (more likely) we feel better than others because of that success (superiority complex: over-exaggerating our importance).

It can also be seen when we expose an imperfection or mistake and we feel our worth vanish, or (more likely) feel worse than others because of that failure (inferiority complex: under-stating our importance).

We sometimes default to one of these complexes, or flop between both throughout the day…or from moment to moment. 

The next step is catching these moments, and pausing. Here is the moment where we usually jump to react, fix, and get as far away from this feeling as possible. It won’t destroy you though. Feel it. Accept yourself fully in that moment so you have some space to be with yourself.

You can say:

Woah, I can tell that I believe I'm unlovable when my flaws are exposed…and, that I’m only lovable when I do everything correctly and successfully."

Shine a light on the shadows. And, if it suits you in a later moment, show up with yourself in this new belief:

Hey, I'm flawed, and that is a part of me being human. It's my unique quirks that make me most lovable because these imperfections allow for deeper connection (since all of us are unfinished), my mistakes allow me the opportunity to grow and learn more about someone else's experience, we'd all feel alone and rarely feel close if I kept chasing perfection.

And then, give something new a try:

Hey, I know we are scared to step into this vulnerable way of being, we may get rejected, we may get blindsided by pain...please know that if anything overwhelming happens, we will navigate that with compassion and show UP for whatever needs arise at that time together, so let's give it a try (keyword: TRY), and if we don't see the rewards and the evidence of feeling enough to connect with, then let's go back to the perfectionistic option where we are stuck in a never-ending survival state.

And, as we try, and the evidence grows, it will become easier and easier to be as grounded as we can possibly become in the overwhelmingly solid and stabilizing fact that we (the unique human we naturally fall into everyday) are lovable…

flaws and all.

Kevin Carlstead, LMFT

All information in this brief dialogue above is backed by my 3+ years of work with couples and individuals as a relationship and trauma therapist while using scientifically proven and evidence based therapy techniques and theories, which I was trained and supervised in…in conjunction with studying and researching these topics for 5+ years in graduate school, throughout my own personal therapy and mental health journey, and peer-reviewed in deeply-rooted conversations with trusted colleagues who contain multitudes of various perspectives, expertise, and professional/life experiences to contribute.

Images created in Google Gemini (AI)